雙語:喜劇大師柯南·奧布萊恩達特茅斯畢業演講全文

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2017-7-19 11:18


美国名脱口秀主持人柯南·奥布莱恩(Conan O’Brien)在达特茅斯大学的毕业演讲,最难得是插科打诨中句句见血,献给迷惘中的年轻人,如果你正在低潮期,一定要看看这个。

爲了讓你有更好的閱讀體驗,講稿裏的笑點、重點都已加粗標示

雙語演講稿:

I've been living in Los Angeles for two years, and I've never been this cold in my life. I will pay anyone here $300 for GORE-TEX gloves. Anybody. I'm serious. I have the cash.
我在洛杉矶生活了2年,一輩子都沒碰到過這麽冷的天。現在誰能給我一副GORE-TEX手套,我就給他/她300美元。誰都可以,我是認真的!我身上帶著現金呢。

Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.
在我的演講開始之前,我必須指出的是我身後“坐著“萬人景仰的美國總統和綴滿勳章的戰爭英雄,而我,一個有線電視脫口秀主持人,竟然被選中站在這裏傳授智慧。我發誓自己從沒見過這麽坑爹的事情,簡直就是美國之怪現狀的一個縮影。

Graduates, faculty, parents, relatives, undergraduates, and old people that just come to these things: Good morning and congratulations to the Dartmouth Class of 2011. Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. I'm talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg. Incidentally, speaking of Mr. Zuckerberg, only at Harvard would someone have to invent a massive social network just to talk with someone in the next room.
在座的各位畢業生、老師們、父母們、親戚們、其他年級的同學們、以及那些來參加你們畢業典禮的老家夥們(譯者注:自嘲,指的是同期接受榮譽學位的幾位嘉賓),大家早上好!並在此祝賀達特茅斯2011屆畢業生!今天,你們做到了一件了不起的事情,了不起到在美國只有92%的人在你們這個年紀才能做到的事:一個大學學位。沒錯兒,憑借著這個大學學位,你們在剩余那8%的人才面前就有了壓倒性優勢。我指的是那些中途辍學的失敗者,比如比爾·蓋茨、史蒂夫·喬布斯、以及馬克·紮克伯格。說到紮克伯格再順便提一句,只有在哈佛這種地方才需要有人發明一套繁複的社交網絡,爲的只是跟隔壁的某個同學說句話。

My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair. For example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma you’ll be receiving this weekend.
That was great.
作爲你們的畢業典禮演講嘉賓,首要任務是告訴大家生活本來就是不公平的。比如,你們廢寢忘食的辛苦了4年,爲的就是拿到這周末即將授予你的學位。
那感覺一定棒極了!

And Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight. Deal with it. Another example that life is not fair: if it does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent. Deal with it.
而達特茅斯授予了我一個同樣的學位,僅僅因爲我采訪了《暮光之城》的四號主角。接受這個現實吧!另一個生活不公平的案例就在眼前,如果現在天降大雨,台上這些有錢有勢的人才能在帳篷下避雨。接受這個現實吧!

I would like to thank President Kim for inviting me here today. After my phone call with President Kim, I decided to find out a little bit about the man. He goes by President Kim and Dr. Kim. To his friends, he's Jim Kim, J to the K, Special K, JK Rowling, the Just Kidding Kimster, and most puzzling, "Stinky Pete." He served as the chair of the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine at Harvard Medical School, spearheaded a task force for the World Health Organization on Global Health Initiatives, won a MacArthur Genius Grant, and was one of TIME Magazine's 100 Most Influential People in 2006. Good God, man, what the hell are you compensating for? Seriously. We get it. You're smart. By the way Dr. Kim, you were brought to Dartmouth to lead, and as a world-class anthropologist, you were also hired to figure out why each of these graduating students ran around a bonfire 111 times.
非常感谢Kim校长邀请我来参加今天的毕业典礼。Kim校长的电话挂断之后,我就决定研究一下这个家伙的背景。他总是被称为Kim校长和Kim博士。对于他的朋友来说,他是Jim Kim、J to the K、Special K(Kellog’s一款早餐谷物)、JK Rowling(小說《哈利波特》的作者)、the Just Kidding Kimster(F1车手莱科宁逗你玩儿),以及最令人不解的称呼,“Stinky Pete“(动画片《玩具总动员》里的矿工皮特)。他曾是哈佛医学院全球健康与社会医疗专业的系主任,作为世界卫生组织在全球健康行动计划的排头兵,他获得了麦克阿瑟天才奖的肯定,而且被《时代》杂志评为2006年最有影响力的100个人之一。上帝啊,这个人究竟是怎么做到的呢?我是认真的!我懂了,因为他非常聪明。顺便再对Kim博士说一句,你虽然被达特茅斯选为校长,但同时作为一个世界级的人类学家,你还被雇来研究为什么每一个这里毕业的学生都要绕着篝火跑上111圈。

But I thank you for inviting me here, Stinky Pete, and it is an honor. Though some of you may see me as a celebrity, you should know that I once sat where you sit. Literally. Late last night I snuck out here and sat in every seat. I did it to prove a point: I am not bright and I have a lot of free time.
不過我要謝謝你今天請我來這裏,“礦工皮特“,我感到非常榮幸。盡管你們中的一些人會把我看作是明星,但你要知道其實你們現在坐的地方我也坐過。如我所言,昨天深夜我偷偷溜到這裏,在每個座位上都稍微坐了一下。我這麽做就是爲了證明一點:我和你們一樣是普通人,而且有的是大把的時間。

But this is a wonderful occasion and it is great to be here in New Hampshire, where I am getting an honorary degree and all the legal fireworks I can fit in the trunk of my car.
不過,這是一個難得的機會,來到新罕布什爾的感覺棒極了。在這裏我不僅能得到一個榮譽學位,而且我還能把車子的後備箱塞滿合法的煙花。

You know, New Hampshire is such a special place. When I arrived I took a deep breath of this crisp New England air and thought, "Wow, I'm in the state that's next to the state where Ben and Jerry's ice cream is made."
大家都知道,新罕布什尔是个如此特别的地方。当我抵达这里的时候,深深地吸了一口新英格兰干冷的空气,心想:“哇!与这个州比邻的那个州(译者注:指的是佛蒙特)就是Ben & Jerry冰激凌的老家。“

But don't get me wrong, I take my task today very seriously. When I got the call two months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper. So late last night, I began. I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my browser. I think Wikipedia put it best when they said "Dartmouth College is a private Ivy League University in Hanover, New Hampshire, United States." Thank you and good luck.
不過大家別誤會我的意思,我非常認真地對待今天交給我的任務。2個月當前我接到電話說要來這兒演講的時候,我就決定要以你們准備重要學期論文的那種強度來准備我的演講。所以直到昨天夜裏,我才開始動筆。我喝了2罐紅牛,吸了一點Adderall(一種“聰明藥“),玩兒幾個小時《使命召喚》,接著才打開我的浏覽器。我認爲維基百科已經寫得很好了,它說:“達特茅斯學院是美國新罕布什爾州漢諾威市的一所私立大學,屬于常春藤盟校。“謝謝大家,祝各位好運!

To communicate with you students today, I have gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linguistic patterns. In fact, just this morning I left Baker Berry with my tripee Barry to eat a Billy Bob at the Bema when my flitz to Francesca was Blitz jacked by some d-bag on his FSP.
为了今天跟你们这些学生交流,我特意花了很长时间学习你们特有的语言风格。事实上,就在今天早上当我发给Francesca的调情电子邮件被某FSP(Foreign Study Program,出国学习项目)的一个SB截获的时候,我正和“旅伴“Barry一起离开Baker Berry(达特茅斯图书馆)去Bema(一片宿舍前的空地)吃Billy Bob(一种早餐肉蛋卷)。

Yes, I've done my research. This college was named after the Second Earl of Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the Barbizon School of Beauty. Your school motto is "Vox clamantis in deserto," which means "Voice crying out in the wilderness." This is easily the most pathetic school motto I have ever heard. Apparently, it narrowly beat out "Silently Weeping in Thick Shrub" and "Whimpering in Moist Leaves without Pants." Your school color is green, and this color was chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because, and this is true—I looked it up—"it was the only color that had not been taken already." I cannot remember hearing anything so sad. Dartmouth, you have an inferiority complex, and you should not. You have graduated more great fictitious Americans than any other college. Meredith Grey of Grey's Anatomy. Pete Campbell from Mad Men. Michael Corleone from The Godfather. In fact, I look forward to next years' Valedictory Address by your esteemed classmate, Count Chocula. Of course, your greatest fictitious graduate is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Man, can you imagine if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisions? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now I know what you're going to say, Dartmouth, you're going to say, well "We've got Dr. Seuss." Well guess what, we're all tired of hearing about Dr. Seuss. Face it: The man rhymed fafloozle with saznoozle. In the literary community, that's called cheating.
沒錯兒,我做了一些研究。这个学院的名字来自达特茅斯伯爵二世,他是“加州大学圣克鲁斯分校伯爵三世“和“芭比松美容学校公爵“的好朋友。贵校的校训是“Vox clamantis in deserto“,意为“广漠大地上的哭声“(译者注:这只是字面意思,引申义为广漠大地上对知识的呼唤)。这简直就是我所听过的最招人怜悯的校训。显然,这比“在灌木深处默默流泪“和“不穿裤子在潮湿的叶子上啜泣“要略微好一点。贵校的代表色为绿色,是Frederick Mather在1867年选定了这个颜色。据说“这是当时唯一没有被其他学校选走的颜色“,这句话一点儿都没错,我真的查过。我实在不记得还有什么事比这个更让人难过了。达特茅斯,你们总有种低人一等的情结,其实大可不必。你们学校毕业的伟大的虚构人物要比其他学校多,比如《实习医生格蕾》剧中的Meredith Grey,《广告狂人》剧中的Pete Campbell,《教父》剧中的Michael Corleone。事实上,我非常期待明年这个时候由你们尊敬同学Count Chocula(漫画吸血鬼形象)发表的毕业生告别演讲。当然了,你们最伟大的“虚构“毕业生就是财政部长蒂莫西·盖特纳。同学们,你们能想象一个“真实“的财政部长会做出现在这些决定吗?哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈!现在我知道你们要说什么了,达特茅斯,你们会说:“好吧,我们至少有苏斯博士(译者注:著名儿童文学作家)。“你们猜怎么着?我们早就听腻了苏斯博士。直面事实吧:这家伙用saznoozle来押fafloozle的韵。在文学领域,那就叫作弊。

Your insecurity is so great, Dartmouth, that you don't even think you deserve a real podium. I'm sorry. What the hell is this thing? It looks like you stole it from the set of Survivor: Nova Scotia. Seriously, it looks like something a bear would use at an AA meeting.
達特茅斯,你們的不安全感如此之大,以至于你們自認爲連個真正的講台都不配有。抱歉,這是個什麽玩意兒?看起來就像是你們從新蘇格蘭島幸存者那裏偷來的一樣。說真的,這東西就像是大熊開會用的桌子一樣。


No, Dartmouth, you must stand tall. Raise your heads high and feel proud.
不,達特茅斯,你們必須挺直腰杆。揚起你們的頭,由衷感到驕傲。

Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident, lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest. Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister who never leaves her room. And Penn, Columbia, and Cornell—well, frankly, who gives a shit.
因爲如果哈佛、耶魯和普林斯頓是你們自私、虛榮、按名氣排在前面的兄長,你就是有點酷、性感自信、玩網兜球的小妹,你知道如何組織爬梯,也知道在羽絨背心裏面穿什麽更好看。當然了,布朗是你那個永遠宅著的同性戀姐姐。還有賓夕法尼亞、哥倫比亞以及康奈爾,坦白地說,沒人在乎他們。


Yes, I've always had a special bond with this school. In fact, this is my second time coming here. When I was 17 years old and touring colleges, way back in the fall of 1980, I came to Dartmouth. Dartmouth was a very different place back then. I made the trip up from Boston on a mule and, after asking the blacksmith in West Leb for directions, I came to this beautiful campus. No dormitories had been built yet, so I stayed with a family of fur traders in White River Junction. It snowed heavily during my visit and I was trapped here for four months. I was forced to eat the mule, who a week earlier had been forced to eat the fur traders. Still, I loved Dartmouth and I vowed to return.
是的,我和这所学校之间有种特殊的纽带。事实上,这是我第二次到这里。这事儿要追溯到1980年,我17岁那年到各大名校旅游的时候来过达特茅斯。那时候达特茅斯真是个非常艰难的地方。我那次旅程是骑着骡子从波士顿出发的,在West Leb(新罕布什尔的一个地区)向铁匠打听好了方向,我就径直来到了这个美丽的校园。当时还没有任何宿舍,所以我寄宿在White River Junction一个皮草易商的家里。我来这里的那段时间恰逢天降大雪,以至于自己在这里被困了4个月。我当时不得不吃掉了那头骡子,而这头骡子一周前逼不得已时吃掉了那个皮草交易商。即便如此,我依然爱上了达特茅斯,并且发誓一定会再回来。

But fate dealt a heavy blow. With no money, I was forced to enroll in a small, local commuter school, a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles River.I was a miserable wretch, and to this day I cannot help but wonder: What if I had gone to Dartmouth?
但是命運給我以沈重一擊。由于沒錢,我不得不選擇了一家很小的地方性的計算機學校(譯者注:揶揄自己的母校哈佛大學),那段生活簡直是查爾斯河泥灣上令人震顫的痛處。我當時是個痛苦萬分的倒黴蛋,直到現在我還總是會情不自禁的想象:如果我那時選擇了達特茅斯會怎樣?

If I had gone to Dartmouth, I might have spent at least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic to all plant life, as well as most types of rock.
如果我當時選擇了達特茅斯,或許至少有好幾學年要在野外度過,而今天我就會對所有植物和絕大多數岩石都過敏。

If I had gone to Dartmouth, right now I'd be wearing a fleece thong instead of a lace thong.
如果我當時選擇了達特茅斯,我現在穿的就會是一條羊毛內褲,而不是一條蕾絲內褲。

If I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldn't know the second verse to "Dear Old Dartmouth." Face it, none of you do. You all mumble that part.
如果我当时选择了达特茅斯,恐怕依然不知道“Dear Old Dartmouth“(达特茅斯校歌)的第二段歌词。承认吧,你们没人能记得,唱到那段都是哼哼过去的。

If I had gone to Dartmouth, I'd have a liver the size and consistency of a bean bag chair.
如果我當時選擇了達特茅斯,我會有一塊像豆袋椅一樣大又一樣硬的肝髒。

Finally, if I had gone to Dartmouth, today I'd be getting an honorary degree at Harvard. Imagine how awesome that would be.
最後,如果我當時選擇了達特茅斯,今天我就正在哈佛接受一個榮譽學位。想想就覺得很酷!

You are a great school, and you deserve a historic commencement address. That's right, I want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the world. To do this, I must suggest groundbreaking policy. Winston Churchill gave his famous "Iron Curtain" speech at Westminster College in 1946. JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American University in 1963. Today, I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth: I call it "The Conan Doctrine." Under "The Conan Doctrine":
你們是一所偉大的學校,並且配得上一個足以被曆史銘記的畢業典禮演講。這就對了,我想讓自己今天的演講要點因爲改變了世界而能被永遠記住。爲了達到這樣的效果,我必須引入一條史無前例的提議。1946年,溫斯頓·丘吉爾在威斯敏斯特學院發表了那篇著名的“鐵幕演說“。1963年,約翰·F·肯尼迪在美利堅大學概述了他削減核武器的政策。今天,我要在達特茅斯抛出自己的提議:我稱之爲“柯南教義“。“柯南教義“包括:

- All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master's degrees. All master's degrees will be upgraded to PhDs. And all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison.
所有學士學位將被升級爲碩士學位。所有碩士學位將被升級爲博士學位。而所有MBA學生將被立即變成白領囚徒。

- Under "The Conan Doctrine," Winter Carnival will become Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio. Clothing will be optional, all expenses paid by the Alumni Association.
遵从“柯南教义“,Winter Carnival(冬季嘉年华)将变成Winter Carnivale(冬季嘉年华的拉丁语),并且将去里约大肆庆祝。建议大家都不穿衣服,所有花费均由校友会承担。

- Your nickname, the Big Green, will be changed to something more kick-ass like "The Jade Blade," the "Seafoam Avenger," or simply "Lime-Zilla."
你们这个“the Big Green“的昵称将被换成更牛逼的,比如“The Jade Blade“(玉剑)、“Seafoam Avenger“(绿色复仇者)、或者干脆就叫“Lime-Zilla“(绿恐龙)。

- The D-Plan and "quarter system" will finally be updated to "the one sixty-fourth system." Semesters will last three days. Students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off. They must, however, be on campus during their Sophomore 4th of July.
原來的“達特茅斯計劃“和“四分之一體系“將被最終升級爲“六十四分之一體系“。一個學期只有3天,接著學生將面對的是一個長達48學期的假期。不過,他們在大二的那個獨立日必須呆在校園裏。

- Under "The Conan Doctrine," I will re-instate Tubestock. And I will punish those who tried to replace it with Fieldstock. Rafting and beer are a much better combination than a field and a beer. I happen to know that in two years, they were going to downgrade Fieldstock to Deskstock, seven hours of fun sitting quietly at your desk. Don't let those bastards do it.
遵從“柯南教義“,我將重新下令舉辦Tubestock(譯者注:達特茅斯學院一個狂歡節,現已被禁止)。那些打算以Fieldstock來替代它的人將接受我的懲罰。乘筏漂流和啤酒的結合比田野和啤酒的結合要美妙得多。我聽說2年後他們打算進一步從Fieldstock降級到Deskstock,就靜靜地在你桌前傻坐7個小時。千萬別讓那些傻逼得逞!

And finally, under "The Conan Doctrine," all commencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed to get childish applause, will be forced to apologize—to the greatest graduating class in the history of the world. Dartmouth class of 2011 rules!
最後,遵從“柯南教義“,所有畢業典禮的演講嘉賓要是有人無恥下作地通過內部資料逢迎聽衆,騙取幼稚的掌聲,他/她將被要求向這屆史上最偉大的畢業生致歉。達特茅斯2011屆畢業生主宰一切!

Besides policy, another hallmark of great commencement speeches is deep, profound advice like "reach for the stars." Well today, I am not going to waste your time with empty clichés. Instead, I am going to give you real, practical advice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few years.
除了以上提議,偉大的畢業典禮演講的另一個特征是深度的建議,要向“摘下天上的星星“一樣深奧難明。不過,今天我不打算讓你們的時間浪費在空洞無義的陳詞濫調上。相反,我將給你們一些真正有用的建議,如果接下來幾年你還想活著的話就用得著這些建議。

- First, adult acne lasts longer than you think. I almost cancelled two days ago because I had a zit on my eye.
首先,青春痘持續的時間比你想象的要長。2天前我的眼睛上長了一顆痘痘,險些爲此取消這次演講。

- Guys, this is important: You cannot iron a shirt while wearing it.
同學們,這一點非常重要:襯衣穿在身上你是不能直接熨的。

- Here's another one. If you live on Ramen Noodles for too long, you lose all feelings in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel.
还有一点很重要。如果你们长期靠Ramen Noodles(一种日本方便面)为生,你们的双手就会失去知觉,便便也会变成一坨白胶。

- And finally, wearing colorful Converse high-tops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your life.
最後一點,在畢業長袍下穿著五彩斑斓的匡威高幫球鞋是一種絕佳的方式,用它告訴你的同學們這是你余生無數個愚蠢決定中的第一個。

Of course there are many parents here and I have real advice for them as well. Parents, you should write this down:
當然,在座的還有很多家長,我也爲他們准備了真正的建議。各位父母,你們應該記住這些:

- Many of your children you haven't seen them in four years. Well, now you are about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the wi-fi isn't working.
很多家長已經有四年沒怎麽見過自己的孩子了。這下好了,從現在開始你們可能每天都能見到他們從地下室爬出來抱怨無線網絡出問題了。

- If your child majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried. The only place where they are now really qualified to get a job is ancient Greece. Good luck with that degree.
如果你的孩子是美術或哲學專業,你絕對有理由去擔憂。現在唯一能爲他們提供工作機會的地方是古希臘。祝這些專業的同學好運!

- The traffic today on East Wheelock is going to be murder, so once they start handing out diplomas, you should slip out in the middle of the K's.
今天East Wheelock(达特茅斯周边的社区)的交通绝对能让人崩溃,所以一旦他们开始颁发学位证书,颁到首字母是K的同学的时候你们就应该提前退场了。

And, I have to tell you this:
我還要告訴你們這些:

- You will spend more money framing your child's diploma than they will earn in the next six months. It's tough out there, so be patient. The only people hiring right now are Panera Bread and Mexican drug cartels.
你们还将为孩子的学位证框架而花钱,他们要等6个月之后才能挣到钱。外面形势不景气,要耐心一点。目前在招聘的只有Panera Bread面包作坊和墨西哥贩毒集团。

Yes, you parents must be patient because it is indeed a grim job market out there. And one of the reasons it's so tough finding work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs. Trust me on this. Even when they promise you for five years that they are going to leave—and say it on television—I mean you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy do it, there is no guarantee they won't come back. Of course I'm speaking generally.
是的,你們的父母必須保持耐心,因爲外面的就業形勢的確令人沮喪。找工作如此之難的一個原因是漸漸老去的“嬰兒潮“那一代拒絕讓位。這一點上相信我絕對沒錯兒。就算他們在電視上親口承諾5年後就讓位,我的意思是你們甚至可以現在就上YouTube看看這家夥當時是怎麽說的,他們可從沒說過不會卷土重來。當然了,我是泛指這一代人(譯者注:實際上是揶揄自己)。

But enough. This is not a time for grim prognostications or negativity. No, I came here today because, believe it or not, I actually do have something real to tell you.
這些話就到此爲止。現在不是談論悲觀前景或消極事態的時候。不,我今天到這兒來,不管你們相信與否,真的是爲了告訴你們一些貨真價實的東西。

Eleven years ago I gave an address to a graduating class at Harvard. I have not spoken at a graduation since because I thought I had nothing left to say. But then 2010 came. And now I'm here, three thousand miles from my home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I'd like to share it with you. In 2000, I told graduates "Don't be afraid to fail." Well now I'm here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you. Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting. What Nietzsche should have said is "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning."
11年前,我在哈佛畢業典禮上也做過一次演講。從那之後,我再也沒做過畢業演講,因爲我覺得實在沒什麽東西可說。不過,緊接著2010年來臨了。現在我站在這裏,距離我家3000英裏之外的地方,因爲我去年學到了艱深的一課,所以願意在此與你們分享。2000年的時候,我告訴那些畢業生:“別害怕失敗。“好了,現在我要告訴你們的是,盡管你們不應懼怕失敗,但你們應該拼盡全力去避免失敗。尼采有一句名言:“那些試圖打敗你卻沒有打敗你的事使你更堅強。“但是,他沒有強調的是這件事幾乎就打敗了你。所謂避免失望的傷痛,對于你們這些雄心萬丈的成功人士而言,這樣的說法是一種誤導。尼采應該說的是:“那些試圖打敗你卻沒有打敗你的事使你能夠盡情享受動畫頻道,並且能在早上11點美美地喝上一杯不那麽廉價的霞多麗。“

Now, by definition, Commencement speakers at an Ivy League college are considered successful. But a little over a year ago, I experienced a profound and very public disappointment. I did not get what I wanted, and I left a system that had nurtured and helped define me for the better part of 17 years. I went from being in the center of the grid to not only off the grid, but underneath the coffee table that the grid sits on, lost in the shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the grid. It was the making of a career disaster, and a terrible analogy.
如今,人們認爲常春藤盟校畢業典禮的演講嘉賓都是很了不起的人。可是就在差不多一年前,我體會過一次耐人尋味而公衆皆知的失望。我沒有得到自己想要的,于是我離開了一套體系,我曾在這個體系度過了美妙的17年,是它培養、幫助、並最終成就了我。我離開了電視網絡的中心,不僅僅徹底離開了這個網絡,而且不想看見印有格紋的咖啡桌,甚至會迷失在了這張咖啡桌底下的舊地毯上。這是一次職業生涯上的災難,也是一個糟糕透頂的比喻。

But then something spectacular happened. Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things. I grew a strange, cinnamon beard. I dove into the world of social media. I started tweeting my comedy. I threw together a national tour. I played the guitar. I did stand-up, wore a skin-tight blue leather suit, recorded an album, made a documentary, and frightened my friends and family. Ultimately, I abandoned all preconceived perceptions of my career path and stature and took a job on basic cable with a network most famous for showing reruns, along with sitcoms created by a tall, black man who dresses like an old, black woman. I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what: with the exception of the blue leather suit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still don't understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged—and this is important—had more conviction about what I was doing.
不過,接著發生了一些美妙的事情。煙霧缭繞,隨風飄搖,在沒有指南針的情況下,我開始嘗試一些事情。我長出了一些奇怪的棕色胡須。我沈溺于社交網絡的世界。我開始通過Twitter分享我的喜劇創作。我搞了一次全國巡演。我玩起了吉他。我重新站了起來,穿著一件貼身藍色皮衣灌錄了一張唱片,拍攝了一部紀錄片,還把自己的朋友和家人嚇了一跳。最終,我放棄了所有那些既定的對于自己職業路徑和名望的看法,並且接受了一個以不斷重播情景喜劇而聞名的小電視台提供的工作,創作情景喜劇那個高高的黑人經常穿得像個老女人。我做過很多愚蠢的、出格的、自發的、以及看起來不夠理性的事情,你們猜怎麽著?穿著那件藍色皮衣的我度過了職業生涯中最滿意最眩目的一年。到現在我都不明白當時究竟是怎麽了,不過我從來沒有那麽快樂過,從來沒有面對那麽多挑戰,這點很重要,也對于自己在做的事情從未如此的堅定。

How could this be true? Well, it's simple: There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. I went to college with many people who prided themselves on knowing exactly who they were and exactly where they were going. At Harvard, five different guys in my class told me that they would one day be President of the United States. Four of them were later killed in motel shoot-outs. The other one briefly hosted Blues Clues, before dying senselessly in yet another motel shoot-out. Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.
這一切都是真的嗎?當然,這很簡單:沒有什麽事情比你最深的恐懼成爲現實更能解放你人生的了。我和很多人一起讀大學,讓他們驕傲的是他們知道自己是誰也知道自己要走向何方。在哈佛,班上有5个同学曾经告诉我将来他们终有一天会成为美国总统。他们中的4个人在一次汽车旅馆枪击案中身亡,另外的1个曾为电视节目Blues Clues短暂担任过主持人,不久就在另一起汽车旅馆枪击案中变成了植物人。你们在22岁时给自己设计的人生轨迹必定与32岁或42岁的人生轨迹不同。一个人的梦想是不断形成的不断变化的一个过程,有起有伏。從事于任何工作都是這樣,不過由于我在喜劇事業上奮鬥了25年,我或許最有資格談談自己從事的這個領域。

Way back in the 1940s there was a very, very funny man named Jack Benny. He was a giant star, easily one of the greatest comedians of his generation. And a much younger man named Johnny Carson wanted very much to be Jack Benny. In some ways he was, but in many ways he wasn't. He emulated Jack Benny, but his own quirks and mannerisms, along with a changing medium, pulled him in a different direction. And yet his failure to completely become his hero made him the funniest person of his generation. David Letterman wanted to be Johnny Carson, and was not, and as a result my generation of comedians wanted to be David Letterman. And none of us are. My peers and I have all missed that mark in a thousand different ways. But the point is this : It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.
回顾1940年代,有个非常非常搞笑的家伙叫做Jack Benny。他是当时的天皇巨星,毫无疑问是他那一代人当中最伟大的喜剧演员。当时有个很年轻的小伙子叫做Johnny Carson一心想成为Jack Benny。从某种意义上说,他做到了,可是从另一种意义上看他又没做到。他模仿Jack Benny惟妙惟肖,但是完全摒弃了自己独有的动作特点,他努力的方向随着周围环境的变化而变化。最终,他没有成为自己偶像那样的人物,根本不能称得上他那一代人中最搞笑的一个。David Letterman想成为Johnny Carson,最后也没做到。结果我们这一代喜剧演员都想成为David Letterman,没人能做到。我和我的同行们从各方面来看都没有达到那个标准。不过,关键在于:雖然沒有成爲我們理想中最完美的樣子,但這個理想中的形象卻幫助我們找到了自身的獨特性。這並不容易,不過如果你接受這種不幸並恰當地處理好它,你認爲的這個失敗會成爲意義深遠的再度創新的觸媒。

So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream changed. For decades, in show business, the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host The Tonight Show. It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful. But that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you. In 2000—in 2000—I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.
所以,站在47岁这个当口儿,着迷一般追逐了25年自己的梦想,结果发现梦想改变了。几十年来,在娱乐圈里,每个喜剧演员的终极目标都是能主持The Tonight Show。那是一个圣杯,我也像许多人一样认为自己实现那个目标就算是一个成功人士了。但实际上并不是那样。没有任何具体的工作或职业目标能定义我的成败,而且它也一样不能定义你们的成败。2000年的时候,我告诉毕业生不要害怕失败,我依然相信这句话。不过,今天我要告诉你们的是不管你怕它还是不怕它,失望在所难免。好的一面在于你通過失望可以讓自己看得更明白,看透徹之後就有了堅定的信仰和真正的創造力。

Many of you here today are getting your diploma at this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it. And there is no greater cliché in a commencement address than "follow your dream." Well I am here to tell you that whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that's okay. Four years ago, many of you had a specific vision of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become. And I bet, today, most of you would admit that your time here was very different from what you imagined. Your roommates changed, your major changed, for some of you your sexual orientation changed. I bet some of you have changed your sexual orientation since I began this speech. I know I have. But through the good and especially the bad, the person you are now is someone you could never have conjured in the fall of 2007.
在座的許多同學今天之所以能獲得常春藤盟校的學位證書,是因爲你們在自己的心中埋下了夢想的種子,並且努力奮鬥去實現夢想。在畢業典禮的演講上,雖然有點老生常談,但真的沒有什麽比“追求你們的夢想“更好的說辭了。不過我要告訴你們的是,不管你們現在的夢想是怎樣的,它終究會改變。不過沒關系。4年前,你們當中的許多人都有過具體的願景,要有什麽樣的大學生活,以及自己要成爲什麽樣的人。我敢打賭,今天你們中的絕大多數都會承認你們實際度過的這段時光跟原先自己的想象有很大不同。你們的室友變了,你們的專業變了,甚至一些同學的性取向也變了。我打賭,就在我開始演講之後,你們當中的一些同學剛剛改變了性取向。我知道自己曾經也是如此。但是通過這些好的、尤其是不好的變化,現在的你已經不再是你印象中2007年秋天的那個你了。

I have told you many things today, most of it foolish but some of it true. I'd like to end my address by breaking a taboo and quoting myself from 17 months ago. At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said "Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen." Today, receiving this honor and speaking to the Dartmouth Class of 2011 from behind a tree-trunk, I have never believed that more.
我今天已經給你們講了許多東西,絕大多數都是傻話,但有一些是真言。我准備打破禁忌,通過援引我自己17個月之前的一句話來結束今天的演講。我在NBC最後一期節目快要結束的時候,就在信號被切斷之前,我說了一句:“努力工作,友善待人,美妙的事情終將發生。“今天,在這裏獲此殊榮並站在一個樹樁子後面對著達特茅斯2011屆的同學發表演講的時候,我對此更加深信不疑。

Thank you very much, and congratulations.
非常感謝大家,同時也祝賀大家!